Miley Cyrus is an out of control drug fiend

Pop singer and star of Disney's Herbie Eats Bananas films, Miley Cyrus recently celebrated her 19th birthday by smoking four ounces of marijuana and eating chunks of Bob Marley's flesh that had been cooked in butter prepared with THC.  Cyrus is currently in the recording studio with stoner rapper group Cypress Hill working on  a new cd entitled High Up On Cyrus Hill.

Perry Farrell accused of talking smack about Brazil

According to Rolling Stone Brazil, Jane's Addiction frontman, Perry Farrell, thinks that the people of Brazil are a bunch of "uneducated backwoods hilljacks who have incestuous sex and hate music".  Farrell allegedly went on to say, "They all dress like a bunch of peacocks and dance like clowns to boring Polka-Disco music.  The people that run the music festivals out here don't even know how to plug in a microphone.  I bet they all have 8-track players in their homes."

Farrell insists that the writer of this article took complete liberty with this piece and is trying to make him out to be a Brazil-bashing-bully.  "I never said anything negative about the people of Brazil.  I love the music and the culture here and am deeply hurt over this whole situation.  I publicly challenge the writer of this piece to a duel.  Name the time and place and I'll be there, bitch.  I will fight to the death in honor of Brazil."
The writer of the article, Tom Marins, issued a public apology and declined the challenge of the duel.
Perry Farrell, who claims he is not related to Katy Perry or Refrigerator Perry, is currently in the studio working on a new project with Rob and Fab of Milli Vanilli.

Rihanna's "We Found Love" video banned in France

Rihanna's latest video for her song "We Found Love" has been deemed way too nasty for airing in France.  The video portrays Rihanna smoking cigarettes (the French hate smokers), being spanked, stealing condoms from a gas station, and licking oatmeal off a leather boot.  The last music video to be banned in France was Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al" in 1984.

Weird Al Yankovic spoofs the King Of Pop

Michael Jackson fans across the globe became outraged today as MTV aired Weird Al Yankovic's latest novelty spoof song entitled "Fat".  The song is a parody of Michael Jackson's 1980's hit "Bad", and the video features Weird Al in a fat suit talking about foods such as eggs and ham on whole wheat bread.  Complaints began to pour into MTV's offices and all over the internet.  Many found the song distasteful and insensitive and feel that Weird Al is attempting to cash in on the King Of Pop's 2009 death and the recent guilty verdict in the case against Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray.  Weird Al claims that he was unaware of Jackson's death until three days ago as it had not really been a top news story.  He issued a public apology to Jackson's fans and family and plans on pulling the song off of his upcoming album, Strictly For My W.E.I.R.D.O.S.

Refrigerator Perry files for divorce from Katy Perry after 14 years of marriage

The absolutely huggable ex-Chicago Bear/Hip-Hop superstar Refrigerator Perry filed for divorce today from his wife of 14 years, Pop megastar Katy Perry.  Fridge says, "The relationship was getting stale.  I couldn't keep things fresh if I was a damn freezer.  I don't mean to sound cold, but it's over.  We had some great times and I wish her the best of luck.  Hope she makes something of herself."  Katy Perry's people asked for privacy during this difficult time.  This shocking news comes just days after Leann Rhymes announced she would be filing for divorce from Busta Rhymes.

On location at Lady Gaga's latest video shoot!

I just returned from Lady Gaga's latest video shoot, and people, you are all in for a lovely and unique new winter hit!  Security was tight at the Hollywood video shoot and unfortunately my camera and phone were both left at the front booth with a very muscular and stern looking police officer.  I was only allowed access to one area of the shoot and was politely escorted away after only twenty minutes, but I can honestly tell you that everything I heard and saw was truly amazing.  The name of the song is "Poodles & Push-Pops".  It features guest appearances by David Bowie and Ice Cube and the lyrics have something to do with feeding ice cream to dogs.  Lady Gaga looked amazing in her Kool-Aid Man outfit and the sets and stunts were unbelievable!  It looks as though they had a billion dollar budget to work with!  I witnessed a piano filled with dolphin skulls drop from a thirty foot ledge onto a group of pilgrims who were shooting at Native Americans as a wolf purchased a sanitary napkin from a machine in front of a public ladies restroom.   I was told that I had to leave the set before they shot the scene in which Ice Cube and David Bowie were to feed ice cream to a starving child dressed as a dog while The Kool Aid Man (Lady Gaga) played the accordian and wept.  Oh Fiddlesticks!  How I wish I could have seen more of this genius at work.  I am filled with so much anticipation for the release of this new single and video that I am incapable of caring for anything else right now.  I have a feeling this is going to be bigger than the "Thriller" video and I am forever in debt to the truly lovely Lady Gaga for allowing me to witness history being made.

Bill O'Reilly accuses Kanye West of being black

Bill O'Reilly, star of his own popular sit-com The O'Reilly Factor, went on an anti-Kanye West rant Monday night accusing the famous rapper of being a communist, a Muslim extremist, and among other things, a black man.  O'Reilly went on to comment that Kanye is responsible for disco music which is encoded with barely audible messages that subconsciously turn American soldiers into homosexuals, high gas prices, and "all of those damn hippies that are trying to destroy Wall Street".  O'Reilly ended his rant by saying, "He is black.  He hates American children.  He is anti-heterosexual.  He is one of the biggest threats to the American dream.

Kanye West, who recently had his left eye removed and replaced with a platinum disco ball with a lazer pointer, responded by saying, "None of this is true other than the fact that I'm black.  Bill O'Reilly is the true threat to the American public.  Look at what he did to Geraldo Rivera!  That guy used to have a spine before he got on Fox's payroll.  He lets Dennis Miller mumble snide jokes that leave the average American male impotent and he also sells crystal meth to Jesus Christ."

Tom Cruise announces that his Scientology stint was just a "goof"

Tom Cruise announced in an interview with TMZ today that his whole involvement with The Church Of Scientology was a huge publicity stunt and that his heart was never really into it.

"Yeah, that whole Scientology thing was just a goof.  I mean, come on.  Did people really think I believed in that stuff?  I don't even really know much about it.  I think it has something to do with aliens and pyramids.  You know, it's all these people with crystals that think they can heal themselves with mind power or something like that.  They're really a dangerous group I think.  Travolta is into that stuff big time, but then again he thought that Pulp Fiction was a documentary.  Yeah, those people are nuts.  They're crazier than Italians."

Cruise went on to say that he is now and has been for the past fifteen years of Mormon faith and he is planning on taking another wife or two in order to hush any more questions regarding his sexuality.

Brad Pitt to retire from acting at 50

Brad Pitt announced today that he will retire from acting once he turns 50.  The 47 year old actor claims that he is tired of being adored.  There have been times he has considered burning his beautiful face with acid just so he would be left alone by the millions of women who throw themselves at his feet daily.  In a statement made to the press today, Brad said "I figured that I would have gotten at least a little less attractive by this age, but it just doesn't seem to happen.  I can't go anywhere without beautiful women grabbing at my clothes or asking me to touch their breasts.  It's really a curse.  I mean, look at Brando.  He eventually got fat and ugly and ended up having to pay prostitutes to please him.  Clooney is starting to lose his looks.  Johnny Depp is an ugly pirate now.  Why am I still so attractive?  I have lost all my faith in God."

Pitt plans on spending more time with his family and working behind the scenes at his home recording studio producing comedy albums for Fear Factor host Joe Rogan.

Kim Kardashian and George Foreman spotted at movie premiere

Celebrity ex-heavyweight boxing champ George Foreman and celebrity celebrity Kim Kardashian seem to be seeing a lot of eachother these days.  Two weeks ago the two were reportedly seen kissing in a private booth at premiere L.A. nightclub The Waltzing Clown Club before slipping out the back door together.  Three days later they arrived via limo together at the MGM in Vegas to attend a party hosted by Thelma & Louise star Gina Davis who unveiled her new brand of gin.  It was reported by TMZ that on Thursday night the two were spotted at the premiere of  Puss-N-Boots, but decided to leave early when an unruly crowd began throwing Milk Duds at the couple.  Whether or not Foreman has anything to do with the recent divorce that Kardashian is going through has yet to be seen.  A spokesperson for Kardashian claims that the two are "only friends" and enjoy dancing and talking sports with eachother.  Foreman claims that he's "only in it for one thing", but was not clear on exactly what thing that is.

Lindsay Lohan starts Occupy Wal-Mart rally

An American born singer/actress named Lindsay Lohan is at a low point in her life.  After many run ins with Johnny Law for various petty crimes and serving some time behind bars, Lohan has decided to make something positive of her celebrity status.  In a statement to the press issued on Saturday, Lohan announced her new plans of starting an Occupy Wal-Mart protest at a Wal-Mart parking lot located in Sharon, PA. 
"Wal-Mart is evil.  They sell clothes that were made by children in sweat shops in Vietnam.  They edit out the bad words from all of Li'l Wayne's cds even though our freedom of speech is protected by The Gettysburg Address.  They don't donate any of their money to poor communities or animal charities.  They hire old people and make them work for eight hours a day.  I thought the war in Vietnam was over, but it's not.  It's still going on in the hearts of Wal-Mart employees coast to coast from L.A. to Chicago.  We need to stop these evil doers from the evil that men do, and it's all going to start with me and my supporters when we take to the parking lots of Wal-Marts armed with signs that say things that will make people think."
A spokesperson for Wal-Mart says that these are all false allegations and anybody loitering on Wal-Mart property will be arrested.

Justin Bieber schedueld to replace John and George in upcoming Beatles reunion tour

Beatles fans across the globe rejoiced today as the news broke that Paul and Ringo have signed a six album deal with Def Jam records and will be promoting their new album with a worldwide tour.  This will be the first time the two of them have made music together since The Beatles split in December of 1953.  A spokesperson for Paul McCartney says that the death of their beloved bandmates John Lennon and George Harrison prompted the two remaining rock icons to get back together and create a loving tribute album to their fallen friends.  In a telephone interview Ringo stated, "Once the inspiration hit us, there was no stopping us.  Paul and I have been working on new tunes for about seven months now.  They all have a very Georgie and Johnny type vibe to them.  It's as if their spirits intertwined with our own and are doing all the work for us."  When asked about their decision to invite pop sensation Justin Bieber to join the group, Ringo added, "Well, that really was a no-brainer there.  Paul and I have been following his career since day one and we think he's very talented.  We were going to add a fourth member, but once the three of us got together, it was very clear that the magic was all there.  If it's not broke, then why in the fuck would you try and fix it.  The kid is like John and George rolled into one super adorable little guy.  We're sure we're going to sell plenty of records or ringtones or whatever the bloody hell the music is played on nowadays."
While Beatles fans celebreated the news, some Bieber fans are outraged.  Here are some examples of tweets that have been rolling in on Justin's Tweeter Twatter:
"justin why you do this!"@jbieb

"we like you by your lonely self the bestest"@jbieb

"when is the beetlas gonna stop acktin like they not 2 old"@jbieb

"I hope you rot in hell"@jbieb

"y u wanna"@jbieb

And the list rolls on into the thousands.  This may not be the smartest career move for Justin, especially considering he is soon to be a father.  I'll admit that from an artistic point of view, it's an honorable move.  And sure, he'll gain a handfull of new fans, but he stands to lose all of his younger and more attractive followers that are ready and willing to exhaust the possibilities in restroom stalls of huge arenas across the country.  Whatever the outcome, I personally am looking forward to hearing their new music and wish them the best of luck.